Category: Uncategorized
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How I’ve Stopped Letting My Unhealed Parents Define My Worth
“Detachment is not about refusing to feel or not caring or turning away from those you love. Detachment is profoundly honest, grounded firmly in the truth of what is.” ~Sharon Salzberg A few months ago, my father informed me that he’d been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although he seemed optimistic about the treatment, I knew…
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When Helping Becomes Controlling: What I Learned About Fear and Love
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ~Carl Rogers There is a part of me that really, really loves vitamins. Like…a lot. I have always been endlessly fascinated by health, which means I can spend a wildly unreasonable amount of time talking about inflammation, mitochondria,…
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Why I Always Thought Other People Were Upset with Me
“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz I used to walk into a room and check everyone else’s emotional temperature before I noticed my own. A tightened jaw meant I should get quieter. A distracted answer meant I’d done something wrong. If my partner sighed while unloading the…
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The Tattoo That Marks 13 Years of Healing After Abuse
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou In June 2011, I got a Facebook friend request from a guy I vaguely knew from college. We’d never dated, never even been close, but I knew him by reputation. Charming. Vain. The kind of guy who always had someone. He’d…
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Why We Keep Accepting the Same Painful Relationship Patterns
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~George Santayana I was gone about two hours. I’d gone to see my stepbrother, who lived nearby. My girlfriend didn’t want to come, so I told her to rest, and I’d be back soon. When I got back to my father’s property, where we lived…
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From Hyper-Independent to Human: Learning How to Accept Help
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” ~Brené Brown It happened on a regular Tuesday night over the smallest thing. I was cooking dinner after a really long, exhausting day at my job. I spent the whole day…
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When Doing More Is Really an Attempt to Control the Outcome
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos I refreshed the analytics page even though I had checked it only a few minutes earlier. The number had not changed, so I opened the project, reread the opening line, tested a button, and…
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When “Nothing Is Wrong” Keeps You in the Wrong Life
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung I was twenty-eight years old, standing in front of a mirror, reaching for my lipstick. I couldn’t put it on. I was engaged. A wedding was ahead of me. The invitations, expectations, and imagined future were already gathering momentum. Nothing was…
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The Year I Tried to Optimize My Way into Love
“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” ~William Bruce Cameron I noticed it halfway through the conversation. We were outside a café on a warm Saturday, close enough to the next table that I could hear someone laughing behind me. The person across from me was telling…
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Why Rest Should Be a Priority, Not a Reward
“In an age of constant movement, nothing is so urgent as sitting still.” ~Pico Iyer, from his TED talk “The Art of Stillness” It was a Tuesday in late September, the kind of afternoon that feels borrowed from summer. I had a work deadline at 5:00. I went to the park anyway. I spread a…