How to Stop Living to Please and Stay True to Yourself

“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

Have you ever felt like no matter how much you give, it’s never enough? Like your worth is measured by how useful, accommodating, or strong you can be for others?

This invisible burden is what I call the Good Girl / Good Boy Wound—a deep-seated conditioning that tells us our value lies in pleasing others, even at the cost of losing ourselves.

For generations, we’ve been taught to shape ourselves according to the expectations of those around us. Girls are often encouraged to be …

“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

Have you ever felt like no matter how much you give, it’s never enough? Like your worth is measured by how useful, accommodating, or strong you can be for others?

This invisible burden is what I call the Good Girl / Good Boy Wound—a deep-seated conditioning that tells us our value lies in pleasing others, even at the cost of losing ourselves.

For generations, we’ve been taught to shape ourselves according to the expectations of those around us. Girls are often encouraged to be ‘nice’ and agreeable, while boys are praised for toughness and independence. These messages shape us into adults who struggle to know who we truly are beyond what we can do for others.

I lived under the spell of this conditioning for much of my life, constantly striving to be “good” in the eyes of family, teachers, and colleagues. I excelled at meeting expectations, suppressing my needs, and avoiding any behavior that might be deemed “selfish.” But over time, I began to realize that the more I lived this way, the more disconnected I became from my own essence.

I wasn’t free—I was imprisoned by a set of rules that kept me from accessing my true power.

Surrendering Superwoman and Superman

For years, my Good Girl Wound hid itself behind the role of Superwoman. I believed that if I just tried harder, gave more, and proved my worth through my achievements, I would finally feel whole. But instead of feeling empowered, I felt drained and disconnected.

The moment of reckoning came when I realized that I didn’t actually know how to be myself—I only knew how to be useful.

Where had that idea come from? I think it’s everywhere in our culture—the need to prove our worth. I remember when I was about fourteen years old being deeply impacted by a commercial for the perfume Enjoli that ran all summer long. I can still see the woman and hear the jingle in my head.

“I can bring home the bacon,
fry it up in a pan,
and never, ever let him forget he’s a man,
‘cause I’m a woman!”

The tagline was, “The eight-hour perfume for your twenty-four-hour woman!” It’s laughable now, but at the time, it cut me to my core.

I grew up watching my mom try to please my highly critical dad, and never quite managing it. My dad, it seemed, held all the power. If we did as he expected, life was pretty good. But if not, there would be hell to pay. The message was clear—love was earned, not given freely, and it could be withheld at any time if we disappointed him.

Consequently, I grew up believing that my value had always been tied to what I could do for others, not to the truth of who I was. I am far from alone in this.

The relentless drive we have all been taught to embrace can lead to a perpetual sense of never doing enough, having enough, or even being enough. This dilemma is gender neutral and often sits at the heart of our sense of self-worth.

Letting go of the Super-persona required me to confront my deepest fears: Would I still be loved if I stopped over-giving? Would I still be worthy if I prioritized my own needs?

The answer, of course, was yes. But first, I had to reclaim my sovereignty.

Embracing Your Sovereign Power

Healing our wounding isn’t about rejecting kindness or care—it’s about learning to offer those gifts from a place of fullness rather than depletion. It’s about reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we abandoned in order to fit in. It’s about choosing to stand in our truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

If you’ve ever felt guilty for setting boundaries, struggled to ask for help, or found yourself constantly prioritizing others at your own expense, you’re not alone. These behaviors often stem from deep-seated beliefs that tell us: